It has been a while since I wrote so I wanted to pop in and share with you the reason for my hiatus.
A few weeks ago, I lost my dad. He passed away from heart complications. He was 68. His death shook me to my core. Not because it was unexpected but because I cannot comprehend life without him. Now that he is gone, I somehow seem lost.
The days after my dad died, many friends and family reached out to me, asking me if I was ok. How do you respond to this question? I know they are asking out of concern or maybe it is out of obligation, I am not sure. I still don’t know how to respond. I want to tell them I am ok but I am not. I want to tell them my heart is shattered into a million pieces. I want to tell them that there is nothing they can do or say to make it ok but I do the polite thing and tell them I will be ok.
I suppose, with time, I will be ok. With time, maybe I will be able to look at his photos and not break down. One day……. Maybe…….
If there is one thing I learnt from my dad, it is that everything happens for a reason. He was a kind and gentle man who never raised his voice. He was rational and patient and always believed that it is pointless worrying about things that are beyond our control. He lived a simple life and held on to his faith until the very end.
When a death occurs, it always reminds us that our time on this earth is limited. We are all born with an expiry date. It is not a best before date but it is an expiry date. When it is our time, we all return to back to where we came from. Regardless of what God you believe in (or not!), as we get older, we begin to contemplate on how we lived our life. Did all those trivial things we worried about matter now? Did we live a good life? Were we kind to others? Did we do things that actually mattered?
One thing I have learnt from this experience is that people grieve in different ways so it is important to give them the time and space to do so. Some may want to be around friends and family but some people, like me, do not want to be around anyone. I wanted to (and still do) be alone, with my cat. I wanted to cry and grieve by myself. I didn’t want to answer the phone nor did I want to talk about my dad. There is no one size fits all when it comes to grieving. I appreciated all the people who didn’t get offended when I told them I didn’t want to talk to them over the phone. They just sent me messages on Facebook or via text.
For now, I will be focusing on living a more meaningful life. To honour my dad and his memory, I will try to live the best life possible. The best life for me and my husband and Kitty Mojito. I know my dad would have wanted that for us.